lattrommi

I’m still waiting for a Tremors vs Critters vs Gremlins movie. We have the technology to make it but what would Hollywood do after such a masterpiece? It would be pointless to make movies after that, none could ever top it.

I love that premise! I am very good at doing that, turning mundane events into epic movie scenes with no shortage of hyberbole. I have frequently said that adding dramatic music to anything a cat or dog is doing, instantly makes it funnier.

Me and a friend used to do movie reviews but we had the added stipulation that we haad to get drunk while watching the movie and do the review immediately afterwards. A fan requested we do Battleship, which is the sole reason I watched this movie (and probably why I did not hate it outright).

There’s also Tremors 2: Aftershocks.

Plus there’s Tremors 3: Back to Perfection.

Followed by Tremors 4: The Legend Begins.

Then Tremors 5: Bloodlines.

Don’t forget Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell.

One might think Tremors: Shrieker Island, AKA Tremors 7: Island Furry (I spelled that wrong on purpose, it has nothing to do with furries) would be enough for Michael Gross to quit his acting career but how else was he going to pay for his ludicrous railroad memorabilia obsession and also the railroad he owns and the ‘safety first when crossing railroad tracks’ campaign?

So no, it didn’t end there. They kept the franchise going, choo! choo! with the imaginatively titled television series, Tremors: The Series.

If you skip the credits, you can watch all of it in less than 24 hours.

Battleship.

Yeah, the movie based off the board(?) game.

Feel free to fire up the torches and start handing out the pitchforks, because I’m not playing by the rules.

It doesn’t just look like it will suck, it looks like a ‘so bad it is bad’ type of movie, an overbudgeted ‘this is what is wrong with movies these days’ sort of unmitigated hot wet trash from a dumpster fire in the bad part of town.

It isn’t well written.

It isn’t well acted.

I honestly can’t even promise a good time.

These are the thoughts that went through my mind when I read about it before watching: “This is going to be awful and a waste of my time. These actor names kinda look familiar but I don’t know who any of these people are. Is Rihanna her first name or last name? Isn’t she just a singer. It better not have that stupid umbrella song. Wait, Liam Neeson is in this? Is he doing okay? Did he lose a bet? Does he need money? I bet that evil Jar’jar forced him to to do this. Wait, running time over 2 hours?! How is that even… the board never took more than like 15 minutes… except cheaters moving their… fuck me, I already need a drink.”

Go into the movie with that mindset. Be angry at it before it starts.

I like to think of it as a sci-fi movie sequel/equivalent to the short story (but not the movie) “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”

37?! Like, in a row?

Do comic books count? If yes I’d say Spider Jerusalem from Transmetropolitan. If no, General Hunter Gathers from Venture Bros or Dale Gribble from King of the Hill. Maybe Uncle Duke from Doonesbury.

RE: namesake creativity. Hey, at least you spelled it backwards correctly!

Find out, if you can, whether the company has a dress code or uniform. Try to wear clothes similar to their dress code. The interviewer will be able to picture you working as an empoloyee more easily.

If they ask if you have any questions, ALWAYS ask a question, even if it’s a simple one or a little dumb (not too dumb though!). It shows you are actually interested in the position and not just looking for a paycheck. A risky but often good one to ask is “Why are you hiring for this position?” If they need clarification, ask if it is a new role in the company or if someone left, in case of the latter, ask if they gave a reason why they left.

Know your value. Set a minimum wage that you will accept. Don’t take an offer for shitty pay. If they offer a starting wage lower than your minimum, add 33-50% to their offer and guage how they react. If 33-50% doesn’t bring the amount up to or higher than your set minimum, thank them for their time and leave.

Go to the company website and look for their “about us” page. Read everything on the page and try to pick out their key words. Use those words somehow in your interview to describe yourself or your work ethic.

Sleep with the owner. This is a joke to make sure you are paying attention.

Practice an “elevator interview”. That’s where you imagine you just got on an elevator with the person in charge of hiring and you have 30 seconds or less to make a good impression. Take all things into account as if you were really in an elevator. That means try not to fart and wear deodorant. Talk fast but not too fast. End it in a way where they do not even have a chance to respond, you get off the elevator and leave, wishing them a nice day.

Find out if you know anyone already working there or even have a friend of a friend that does. An in-house recommendation always will increase your chances, provided you are on good terms with that person or their mutual friend.

I was on the roof of a 4 story building and was trying to show off to others. The building next to the one I was on was 3 stories and there was an alley between the buildings. The alley was wide enough for cars to get through and a line of trees next to the driving part, about 20 feet total from building to building. I wasn’t going to try jumping the entire alley, my plan was to jump to a tree, grab one of the branches and ‘ride’ it to the roof of the other building. I executed the manuever almost perfectly. It went exactly as I had imagined but with one exception: I was also smoking a cigarette. The lit part of the cigarette was knocked off the end and the burning coals managed to slip around my glasses and got stuck directly in the middle of my eyeball. It burned my cornea, thankfully not too seriously. I was blind in that eye for about a month while it healed.

I honestly don’t know how I am not blind in that eye. It’s my good eye too. I’ve had 2 other situations that led to being blinded in the same eye, that was the second incident. Both of the other two incidents are also dumb.

The first was from me forgetting to take out my contacts, during the brief time I wore them. They were one pair a week contacts, which I wore for a month and a half. The eye got infected and prevented me from wearing contacts again due to corneal scarring. It also prevented me from seeing much of anything at my first concert. I was 14 and the headliner was Blink 182. I was told that they had ladies take their shirts off on the stage, something 14 year old me would have been very interested in seeing. I saw nothing though, one eye was covered with a medical patch, the other was contactless, I had no glasses at the time and my vision in the eye that worked is 20/180.

The last and most recent dumb injury was not really my fault, at least I don’t think it was but that’s debatable. I was working in an aluminum extrusion factory. They made parts for the frames of windows and doors. After the parts are extruded and cut, some of the edges are razor sharp. A coworker of mine had to take a tool and deburr these sharp edges, so that workers handling the material don’t cut themselves by accident (or on purpose I suppose). The process leads to piles of razor sharp slivers of aluminum all over the place. I was chatting with a coworker after my shift was done, waiting for her to finish cleaning up her work area. I had removed my work glasses and was wearing my normal glasses. Big OSHA no-no. My normal glasses did not have the requisite side shields. The coworker used compressed air to clean up the area by blasting the pieces off the extrusions and onto the floor to be swept up. She playfully blasted some in my direction while we were talking. A sliver of aluminum was blasted into my eye and got lodged there. I had to have minor surgery and was blinded in that eye for 2 months. Since I was clocked out at the time, I was not covered by workmans comp. I probably could have gotten it covered but at that time I regularly smoked weed, so I would have failed the mandatory workmans comp drug screen and lost my job. I chose to keep my job and paid for the removal, approximately $9,000 in 2005 money.

Thanks for reading! Since this was pretty long, you get a bonus for reading: A dumb joke! In 2015 I had a job interview. I had seen a joke online and everything needed for the joke played out. The interviewers asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. I responded that I did not know because I did not have 2020 vision. I did not get the job. Still worth it.

I only pirate adult cinema, because in the end it’s not piracy if it’s not racy.

I’m just here because I got scurvy a couple times. Stay in school, ye’ landlubbers n’ doan’t farget to eat yarself a fruit or vegetable, least once n’ a fortnight. ccccccc.

Yes.

What I have difficulty with, is when some wayward knotted cluster I’ve inadvertently consumed, tries to jump ship the next day in the restroom, while having managed to braid itself on one end into my derrière hair, while the other side of it is still chilling somewhere up in my small intestine.